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We used to be intimate at least once a week and now things have completely stopped in that department – not for my lack of trying
My wife and I have been together for 30 plus years and are fairly happy – any issues, we iron out pretty quickly. I don’t want to come across as ungrateful as my wife has done a lot for the family, but the fact is we used to have sex at least once a week and since we’ve reached our mid-60s it has stopped completely in that department. And that’s not for lack of me trying. She has a way of changing the subject or dismissing me that’s starting to get me down if I’m honest. How do I approach this?
– Frustrated
Okay. Why don’t you re-read your question to us again? Because if you communicate with her the way you are communicating with us, it will be a miracle if you ever get her back into bed.
You say, “she’s done a lot for the family”. Chilly. You do not say, “she’s beautiful. I love her. I miss her. I miss the intimacy, the connection, and I want to talk to her and I want to tell that I miss our precious time together. I honour her for all the love and care she has put into our lives for the past three decades and – apart from the sex – I would really like to know that she is happy and flourishing”. What radiates from your letter is an absence of love, affection, sensuality or desire. So perhaps have a think about that.
Maybe your letter is a misrepresentation. It is, after all, only a letter. Not a 30-year marriage. On the other hand, the atmosphere and framing of your letter suggests that we are getting just a whiff of what she has been feeling from you. Sorry, Frustrated, but it is not sexy.
You tell us that she has a way of dismissing you and changing the subject. That is certainly frustrating. But we wonder if you have been dismissing her for years. You sound as though you are describing an employee whom you value, but who is disposable. Your words read like a job appraisal: “The employee has been extremely helpful with the children and around the house but lately her enthusiasm has waned for the contact aspects of the role.” Even referring to sex as “that department” is not exactly loaded with erotic charge – or even care.
Maybe she’s menopausal or post-menopausal and that has affected her libido. Although it sounds as though the famine kicked in after that particular hormonal ship had sailed. She could be depressed. Perhaps it’s an empty nest thing. Possibly she could see her doctor. You HAVEN’T ASKED HER. “How can I help?” is a deeply sexy question. So much sexier than, “when can we have sex?” or even, “I want to talk about why we don’t have sex”.
Your needs are not being met. Have you thought about hers? Has she caught giving fatigue? Duty fatigue? She has done a lot for the family. What have you done for her? You are writing to us for advice and so we are going to attempt to give you advice – not about how to get her to put out but about how to ignite some connection. Sex is not just about desire in the moment and at the time. It’s about connection and communication. It’s about feeling seen and known and wanted for all that you are and all that you aren’t. And sex in long-term relationships does not necessarily self-sustain. It doesn’t continue to thrive in a vacuum. You have to feel connected to someone to want part of their body inside you, even if you have been married for a long time. And so, Frustrated, work on the connection. There is a saying that tells us: everything in life is about sex but sex is almost always about something else.
Rather than, “you have done a nice job cleaning the kitchen”. What about, “you are gorgeous and you mean the world to me and I don’t tell you that enough”. Do things together. Laugh. Get out into the fresh air. Plan holidays. Try harder. Look good. Smell good. Pay her attention. And, by the way, this is the long game. This is never going to be a brief transaction whereby you take her to dinner, tell her she’s pretty and suddenly she’s aflame. This is a continued effort. This is love and romance and commitment.
Maybe things will start to turn over again sexually. Maybe they won’t. In which case, perhaps the way to think about it is “please can we talk about this [or go to see a couples therapist] because I love you and I want you”. Stay away from “please can we talk about this because I want sex and what is wrong with you?”
We have been tough on you, Frustrated. Not because we believe you have done anything wrong but because the opportunity is presenting itself for you to do lots of things right. Lots of lovely things. Things that could feel satisfying and happy-making for you as well as for her. It’s a brilliant feeling when we know we are being a little bit marvellous. Enjoy it. And if the heat in your marriage doesn’t rise, then you can seek professional help knowing that you have tried your best. That, in itself, is meaningful.
Read last week’s Midults column